


Vanished - The True Story

by RebaK1tten



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Break Up, Crack and Angst, Dark, Dark Magic, Evil Reid, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebaK1tten/pseuds/RebaK1tten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a Hotch/Reid site on LJ, someone prompted Reid makes Beth disappear, which to me is a pretty bad idea.  Fic is rambling, train-of-thought, after Reid makes Beth disappear.</p>
<p>NOTE:  Mention of animal death, mental illness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vanished - The True Story

June 1, 3 pm

My doctors say it would be good for me to write out what happened.  I’m not sure of that, how it will be helpful to keep thinking about it, but it’s not like there are other pressing things for me to do.

I always feared that I’d end up in Bennington, maybe a nice room down the hall from my mother.  But I’m here, at Bryce Hospital, and Bennington sounds like a much better option.  Of course I don’t belong there, I belong here.  I killed a woman, or at least I think I did.  I don’t have a better explanation.

Where to start?  I had been dating my boss, Aaron Hotchner for almost three years.  Everything seemed to be going well.  I was happy, actually happy.  It sounds strange if you haven’t been happy most of your life; at the best of times, before Aaron, I was content.  I was occupied.  I wasn’t unhappy or I wasn’t scared.  But during this time, I was happy.  I had an interesting job that I was good at.  A lover who understood me and appreciated me.   Jack.  I loved that boy like he was my flesh and blood.  I still do.  I wish I could say that he still felt anything for me. Anything other than horror.  The last time I saw him, in court, the way he screamed.  I don’t know if I’ll get that out of my head.

We didn’t live together, but it seemed to make sense at the time.  Aaron had Jack, and although Jack loved me, Aaron didn’t think it was a good idea to try to force him into accepting me living there.  That’s what he said.  And Jack’s interests always came before mine.  Of course, we did it for work, too.  Not that it was any secret.  Yes, I was banging the boss.  It’s not like it got me any raises or special assignments.  In fact, Aaron kept me in the office more than I wanted.  Again, I didn’t argue.  He’d say that Jack would be devastated if I was hurt, and so I agreed. 

And I’m not blaming Aaron, not for any of this.  Not for falling in love with me or making me fall for him.  Not for keeping us in separate homes.  Nothing.  He is blameless.  It was all me.

I don’t want to talk about how we broke up, and how Beth came into the picture.  He met her preparing for his marathon, yes.  Something clicked.  I guess like it did for us originally.  That part, the six months when he mentally and then physically left, was the worst time of my life.  Yes, worse than my father leaving, worse than committing my mother, worse than Georgia, worse than anything.  I did not start taking drugs again and I have some foolish pride in that.  Don’t know why, since I’m now a walking pharmacy.  But that’s enough, I don’t want to have to talk about Aaron falling in love, I don’t, and I won’t so fuck you. Fuck you, I won’t.  fuck you fuckyou fuck you fuck you fuck fuck fuckfuck fuckyoufuck fuckfuckfudajklfsfads

June 2, 2 pm

I’m sorry about yesterday, to anyone who reads this.  Dr. Meyer I guess.  And let me say they treat me very well here.   I’m allowed books during certain hours and some time outside when the weather is nice and it’s almost always pleasant out.  I could do much worse.  I deserve much worse.

So.  Aaron and I broke up, he started dating Beth.  Contrary to what you may have read or heard, I didn’t say anything to her about Aaron and me.  Jack actually outed us, he told her about the fun things that we did as a family, Aaron and Jack and me.  Aaron told her that we had been a couple and she (apparently, I don’t know all the details) told him that she knew there was something between us.  He assured her it was over and she accepted that.  I cannot fault her in any way.  That’s one of the things that I hate.  If she had been horrible to me or tried to keep me from Jack, I would have a reason for what I did.  I have a reason, but it doesn’t equal what I did.  I should be here.  No, I should be dead.  I shouldn’t have any of the mercy that I didn’t give her.

June 2, 8 pm

Try this again, stick to the facts.  If you read either of those horrible quickie paperbacks that came out, they’re both just bullshit.  “Vanished” is slightly more accurate, but still shit.  “FBI Affair – A Crime Story!” isn’t worth lining a cat box with.  It’s total crap.  “Vanished” did correctly say that it was Beth’s idea that I continue to spend time with Jack.  Again, she was nothing but kind to me.  And good to Jack, too. 

Jack said he missed me, and she said I’d been important in his life and he should be able to continue to see me.  So we spent some time at the science museum and the park and I helped him on school projects, same as always.  Aaron wasn’t completely comfortable; I think part of how uncomfortable he was with how comfortable _she_ was.  The first couple of times I came over, she wasn’t there.   I don’t know for a fact, but I think Aaron asked her to stay in the house when I came over.  It probably didn’t help that one time when she wasn’t there, Jack told Aaron that he should kiss me like he used to. 

Poor Aaron, I almost felt sorry for him.  I hope he’s being well taken care of.  I don’t worry too much about Jack; Jessica has always taken great care of him.   I think they can visit Aaron now.

I’m digressing again.  I guess the medications do that, beyond my natural tendency to ramble.  No one to stop me, interrupt me, tap me on the arm to tell me I’m talking too much.  So what’s this, the benefit of being criminally insane?  Or trying to avoid saying what I did?  I already confessed.  To the police.  To my doctors. 

So I spent time with Jack, always with someone supervising.  I don’t know what Aaron thought I’d do, take him?  I wouldn’t hurt Jack.  But I did.

Six months go by like this, a happy family and a spare.  Beth and Aaron getting closer, Jack getting used to be Beth.  Jack and I still bestest friends.  I had transferred to computer crimes during this period.  It worked, I was good at it.  I fit in with the team, everyone a nerd like me, less like Morgan. 

Then one day, for no particular reason – note that, please – no particular reason!  I’m showing Jack a pretty simple magic trick, making a coin disappear and he says that it would be funny if I could make Beth disappear.  We both giggle and keep playing whatever it was that we were doing and change the subject.

But I don’t forget it.  It’s an interesting thought.  At the beginning, it’s simply a puzzle to be solved.   I spent all day on-line at work and at home I was always studying something or another.  This just became another project that I worked on, on and off.

There had been a couple of cases with the BAU that had satanic or witchcraft elements; nothing that was ever serious or in any way accurate.  That had shown me some things that wouldn’t work and the direction to go away from. 

I won’t say what I did.  I haven’t told anyone and I won’t now.  It took me six months of trying and experiments to make it happen, I nearly poisoned myself, and I hope that no one else can figure it out.  I will say that it was a lot of research, not the easy on-line kind, but actual looking for things in some hard to find books.  That will probably put off most people.  That and it wasn’t cheap.  And I knew what I was doing was wrong; I left behind enough knowledge of guilt that it was quite easy to track afterwards.  I purchased a couple of things on the internet using credit cards.  But mostly, any of the herbs and chemicals that I bought, I paid cash for. 

Basically, I created a potion that I had to drink that let me make Beth vanish.  I tried it several times, first on a spider then on a mouse.  Then on a cat, a feral cat that I trapped.  That was probably the worst.  Of course I told myself that if I couldn’t stomach making a cat disappear, I couldn’t make a person disappear.  Still it made me feel like a monster and I nearly gave up.  Until it worked.   The success was a huge rush and I wanted to feel it again.  Once an addict, I guess.

But yes, I waited.  I did nothing for almost a month; that is something the shitty paperback had right.  I did nothing for a month, meaning I could have stopped.  I could have discovered that it was possible, but not actually do anything with it.  I didn’t.

I’ll stop now. I need to think about this and it’s time for my meds.

 

June 5, 2 pm

Okay, time to talk about it.  Again.  I’ve talked about this multiple times, let’s see if there’s anything I can add.

I’m at Aaron’s house and Beth is there.  They’re passing looks back and forth and I recognize Aaron wants to say something, but he’s hesitant.  That hurts, he didn’t do that before.  So I ask what’s up and he says that they’re going to go on vacation.  For two weeks, to Missouri, to see Beth’s parents.  Okay, great, guys, sounds like fun.  They both visibly relax, because Spencer hasn’t had a hissy-fit.  I ask when they’re going and he says a week from Sunday.   I suggest that maybe we can have dinner next Saturday night.    Then Jack says that he wants to show me a school project he’s been working on and drags me upstairs.

Here it is.  Jack takes me upstairs and shows me a diorama he made on California Missions, it’s very nice.  I ask him if he’s excited about his trip and he says yes.  It’s not too enthusiastic, but he doesn’t sound upset or reluctant.  I should drop it.  I don’t.  I ask if there’s a problem and he says that he’ll miss me.  Great, that’s what I want to hear.  I say that we’ll have dinner next week and that’ll be fun and then he says maybe you can do a magic show?  I tread softly here because I need to have him say it, even if I need to lead him to it.  See, this is where it’s all my fault, taking something that an eight year old said once, without meaning anything.  I say, yes, that’s a good idea, we can plan something during the week, if that’s okay with your Dad.  Clever, right, bring Aaron into it, like it’s his idea, too?  And Jack giggles and says, maybe you can make Beth disappear.   He said it twice now, like that makes it okay.

I have a week to decide if I should do it.  Because I know I can and I know I shouldn’t, but I can.

Saturday night, I come over for dinner and everyone is up and Jack’s bouncing around.  They went shopping during the day to get stuff for their trip and he’s all wound up.  Dinner is in the oven (lasagna, I remember that, the police shutting off the oven with the smoke in the kitchen) and Jack says we should have the magic show before dinner.  Which is fine with me, I was feeling rather queasy.  And the potion makes me feel ill, so better on an empty stomach.

I do a few basic illusions and then announce that I can make someone disappear, ask for a volunteer, and hold my hand out to Beth.  She smiles and stands, bows to the audience.  I tell her to sit in the kitchen chair that I’ve moved into the living room.  As she’s sitting down, I turn and get a blanket I put off to the side and swallow the potion that I had in my pocket.  I put the blanket over her head, smiling, saying stupid magician things.  Wondering if I should do this and then I do.  I whisper the spell, touch her forehead and touch her chest through the blanket and then -- there’s the chair with the blanket on it and no Beth.

Jack and Aaron applaud like mad and Jack’s jumping up and down and I want to vomit.  I wasn’t 100% sure it would work on a person like it did with the mouse or the cat, but it did.  Obviously.

Then Aaron smiles and nods and says he didn’t know we rehearsed, Beth didn’t say anything, bring her back.   And I tell them that I can’t.  That’s she’s gone, I made her vanish. 

Aaron’s smile starts to falter and he’s staring at me and blinking and says to bring her back and I say I can’t, Aaron, I can’t.   Jack is looking between the two of us and he removes the blanket and the chair is empty and Aaron says this isn’t funny anymore, bring her back.  He grabs my shoulders and he’s yelling bring her back, undo it, say it backwards, bring her back bring her back.  Jack starts screaming and crying and Aaron is screaming and shaking me and yelling bring her back bring her back bring her back bring her

July 6, 2 pm  

I’m reading this again and it’s what happened as best as I can remember.  New meds again, I remember my mother’s doctor saying that new meds take time.  I feel slow, like I’m underwater, but it’s better.  Jack doesn’t scream quite so loud at night.

What happened after that?  Police, courts.  Everyone asking me what happened and where is Beth.  Morgan visited me here once, but he just says the same things, what did you do, where’s Beth and bring her back.

I had actually tried to bring back the mouse and the cat.  The cat didn’t work at all, nothing happened.  The mouse came back, but wrong, very wrong.  I panicked and smashed it with a book and threw everything out.

The worst part was in court when I pled guilty and Beth’s parents were there.  Crying.  Of course they were crying.  Aaron and Jack weren’t there.  I think Aaron might have still been sedated, I’m not sure and believe me, no one keeps me up-to-date.  I hate how I disappointed Jessica, she had been so kind and supportive. 

Beth’s parents were sitting behind me, behind the rail and kept crying and her Mother was yelling bring her back you bastard, bring her back.  I’m sure she didn’t understand when I tried to tell her it’s like the story The Monkey’s Paw -  when things are gone, they should stay gone. 

I’m tired now.  I hope I can sleep.  And I’m sorry, but I can’t bring her back.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's any additional warnings that I should add, please let me know.


End file.
